At 6:00am on a chilly March day, my incredible friend and I set off to Ohio to take our ASWB licensing exam.
Rebecca and I started our journey together back in August 2016 when we both walked into day 1 of our bachelors of social work program. We both had ideas of where we were headed with our education but no definite decisions had been made.
Fast forward a few years and we began our masters program together (with our beloved Indiana girl, Kelly). Add in a lot of stress, (because…SO many papers to write), balancing families, current jobs, internships and school, then go ahead and toss a global pandemic on top of it and yikes…it was quite the year.
And now, we serve our community in our own office spaces right across the hall from each other. We hold each other accountable, always suggesting the uncomfortable route (going for a head clearing walk even when it’s FREAKING cold), providing “exposure therapy” with sticky notes & leaning on each other for support.
Today, Rebecca passed her exam & I did not. I fell short of the passing score by 9 questions. There are 2 versions of the 170 question exam; hard and harder. We were both randomly selected to take the harder version. Let me tell you, that was the absolute hardest exam I have ever taken. Side note, this doesn’t change anything for me aside from having to take it again. I have 3 years to do it, I was just trying to get it done and out of my way!
I was absolutely crushed when I realized I didn’t pass and I would have to do it again in a few months. I am disappointed, I am sad and quite frankly, I’m embarrassed. So many people knew I was doing this today and now I have to tell them all that I failed.
But did I fail? By the ASWB guidelines I suppose I did. However, after tons of tears, conversation and reflection…I think I passed a test today. I passed God’s test.
When I learned Rebecca passed, I was overjoyed with pride and excitement; true and genuine happiness. My light was not going to get any brighter by dimming hers and I felt an instant mood lift when I learned my friend had succeeded. It was insanely eye opening for me.
Today, God gave me the opportunity to show unrivaled joy for my friend. He gave me the chance to reflect and solidify that I am a fallible human being, incapable of perfection. And that is acceptable to Him. I have battled (internally) with perfectionism for years and was not sure I was ever going to get to a place which might allow a margin of error. But today, He showed up to illustrate for me how far I have come.
I have a chance to tell Sienna, Nolan, and Oliver that I didn’t pass that test today, but I’m going to try again. Because that’s what I have to do; throwing in the towel is not an option. That is what I want to teach my children. I humbled myself and had to tell many people who were rooting for me that I fell short. Every single one of their responses made me cry and I was reminded how blessed I am to be surrounded by the greatest people I have ever known. Their words literally picked up my broken little heart, taped it back together and shoved me back into the arena. And as Brenè Brown says-more often than not, the arena is going to kick your ass.
I felt knocked down today. My best friend showed up & sat in my disappointment with me so I didn’t have to feel it alone. And while we hiked a small a trail, finding a spot overlooking this gorgeous view of a perfect day, I realized things don’t feel so bad now. Tomorrow is another day and I’m ready to take it on